By Nicole Ballinger

Bereaved parents understand that pregnancy and infant loss is a confronting thing for others to find out about. We know because we remember how awkward it was for us to handle (when someone we knew had lost a baby) before the same tragedy befell us. We, too, searched for the ‘right thing to say’. We, too, were at a loss for words. So to our family, friends and professionals: we do know you mean well, even if the words don’t seem to come out right.

I recently attended a special forum held by my local chapter of the Compassionate Friends. This world-wide charity helps bereaved parents, who have lost a baby or child at any age, for any reason (read more here). The guest speaker was the wonderful Deborah England, who holds a masters degree in analytical psychology, and has an extensive background as critical care nurse. Today, she is a highly skilled counselor who specializes in helping people cope with grief and loss.

Deborah reminded us that the loss of a baby or child is disenfranchised, not socially sanctioned, and even invalidated. But this is because, in Western society, we are not socialized about how to handle such heart-breaking news. We humans are not at fault: we’re simply ill-equipped.

Due strictly to social taboo then, bereaved parents feel isolated -- and the rest of society feels uncomfortable. When a friend, family member or patient suffers from miscarriage, stillbirth or postnatal loss, we want to help them – but we’ve never been taught how. As a result we often feel at a loss for words, yet at the same time may find ourselves mentally scrambling for the right thing to say. Try as we might to find them, we realize that it so often comes out wrong. Grieving parents eventually all understand this struggle.

Deborah reminded us that since there’s not much we can do as individuals to overcome social taboo, we bereaved parents are best off looking within to find solace at these times. Deborah suggests that it’s best to always keep in my mind that though the words often come out wrong, the speaker's intention was good. Deborah provided us with a great "tool" for coping with these situations: a way to turn for comfort inward, as well as to show our gratitude for the other person’s love. Read about the tool here.

As a special message to our loved ones and the professional out there, please remember that the only "right" words are: “I’m sorry.” All of us at the forum agreed on that.

Thank you Deborah, for your kindness, wisdom and generous support. You’re making a big difference to bereaved parents, and (by extension) to those who care about them.