When I suffered a miscarriage, some well intentioned people gently told me I was “lucky it was early”: meaning it seemed better that my loss had occurred early in the pregnancy, as opposed to later.

But losing a baby at any stage (i.e. miscarriage, stillbirth or after the 40 weeks have passed) is never easy. And -- to be a little blunt just for a moment-- please consider
this: if you lost a baby, at any stage, would you feel ‘lucky’?

Okay: that’s it for being blunt! Please read on: the rest is of my article is very gentle!

One reason people often think we’re luckier to lose a baby early is because we may not yet have ‘looked pregnant’ (i.e. no ‘bump’ on the abdomen).

No ‘bump’, but I had that familiar ‘glow’ in my complexion, and I had morning sickness. So people soon figured it out anyway.

When we lost our baby, an outpouring of condolences were expressed. With good intentions, many told me I was “lucky it was early” – but I sure didn’t feel ‘lucky’ at the time.

And loss is loss at any stage. I know this because, sadly, I’d already lost two babies to stillbirth before. This new grief, after miscarriage, was no easier.

To help you relate, gentle reader, please consider this: it seems worse when a young adult / teen / child dies, compared with someone who has lived a long and full life. When it’s an elderly person, we often comfort ourselves by thinking it’s ‘better’ that they had not died in their prime. But nonetheless, we grieve. A dry eye is seldom seen at the funeral of an older person either: we loved them both, and now we miss the both. Regardless of their age, we grieve.

It’s the same with pregnancy and infant loss. The grief is just as intense, whether the baby was lost earlier in the pregnancy or not. My sorrow when I miscarried was no less than it was with my stillborn twins, and with Marcus whom we lost at full-term. I loved them all equally, so I missed them equally afterwards.

I hope this article has helped explain why it doesn’t help – in fact, it actually hurts – if you tell us we’re lucky to have lost the baby earlier on.

So what can you say? (You might be wondering). Please just tell us that you’re sorry to hear about our loss. This is always the best thing to say.

Thank you for being a caring family member or friend: it’s lovely you’ve come to this website to find out more. Come to think of it, it’s knowing people like you that makes us ‘lucky’!