Whether your friend or family member has lost a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth or neo natal causes -- if you find you don’t know what to do or say, you’re certainly not alone: it’s a very confronting situation, and society simply doesn’t teach us how to handle it.

I know a thing or two about pregnancy and infant loss, because, most unfortunately, my husband and I lost five babies. But I have long since overcome the grief through offering comfort and support to bereaved parents, family and friends. 

Time to rewind: here is a personal memoir from decades ago. I've been told that it helps people, and I hope it might help you too.

Many years ago and long before we lost our own babies, my colleague, Denise, had a miscarriage. At the time, I didn’t have a clue what to do or say to help her. Possible things to say flashed through my mind but none seemed appropriate. And in my ignorance, I believed I could do nothing to help.

So as a result, I didn’t do or say a thing. And Denise said nothing about it either, but she did show signs of depression. Over time, she gradually improved, but regrettably this was no thanks to me.

Fast forward by 6 years: Fred and lost our baby Marcus and – although we lost him after a full term pregnancy (due to Vasa Praevia)  – I found that I could suddenly relate to Denise. You see, it doesn’t seem to matter at what stage in pregnancy or infancy a baby is lost: grief is grief, loss is loss.

I didn’t know how to help Denise when she miscarried 6 years before; but when we lost Marcus, I suddenly and intuitively knew. I don’t think this is sudden insight is unusual. After losing Marcus, I knew exactly what would be comforting to hear, as well as what would be painful. I also began to know what people could have done that would have been helpful to comfort or support me. Society may not teach us how to handle this, but personal experience gives us a PhD.

When we lost Marcus, I needed love and support more than ever. And then I regretted not having ‘been there’ for Denise, years before. But since I couldn’t turn back the clock, today I continue to make amends to her -  in a way -  whenever I help someone else.

Thank you for reading this memoir. My next article will present plenty of simple things you can do or say -- to help a loved one who has lost a baby.