Whether your baby died through miscarriage, stillbirth or from neo natal causes, the shock and grief are bad enough, but then you wonder: what do we do next? Should we have a cremation, burial or other service? This is our story of Alex:  I hope it might help you decide.

The first time we lost a baby, our baby Alex, we had a “missed miscarriage”: our doctor could not detect Alex's heartbeat. A few days later, we had a second ultrasound to confirm the very sad diagnosis. With a missed miscarriage, the baby does not deliver naturally so we chose to have a D & C.

I entered the hospital for day surgery. The whole time I was there, I didn’t ask any questions. And I wasn’t offered any information either. You see, my way of coping with grief is to go a bit ‘numb’ or ‘distant’ – to emotionally detach myself from the situation. So upon discharge, I was still uninformed about so many important things.

But the next day, it hit me hard – my heart sank and I felt awful. My mother-in-law used to be a nurse, so I asked her: “What did they do with our baby?” Now, different hospitals / doctors follow different procedures so ‘mom’ answered gently and honestly: “I’m afraid I don’t know, Nicole. But shall we have a service for the baby?”

Thank heavens for ‘mom’: she still knows me better than I know myself. Having a service for the baby was one of the most healing things we did: as it turns out, not just for Richard and me, but also for our family members who were there. Just as importantly, it was also our way of honouring Alex.

We chose to hold the service at our home, and to keep it very simple. We combined three activities that are known to help many bereaved parents:

1. We named our baby. Our loss had been too early, so we didn't know if the baby was a boy or girl. So together, Richard and I  lovingly chose a unisex name that we both really liked;
2. We planted a tree in our backyard in Alex's honour. This actually helps the healing process for years to come, whenever one nurtures the tree or enjoys its beauty, shade, etc; and
3. We shared the experience with our family members closest to us: those who had known about our pregnancy.

So first, we planted the new tree altogether. Then we shared a nice lunch, which began with a toast -- Richard and I announced our baby's name: “To Alex”, we said. “To Alex!” our family repeated. I had wanted to say more, but these were the only words I could choke out at the time.

And that’s okay. You see, it’s all okay.

That was back in early 2003. Since then, I've been able to do my bit to help many people deal with the loss of their babies. By doing so, I have learned that everyone seems unique in how they work their way through grief. So what feels right for the baby's parents --when it comes to deciding between a burial, cremation, etc -- can vary widely. I firmly believe that the baby's parents should always 'go with' what they feel is right for them. There are a number of suitable, beautiful and dignified options --which will be the subject of my next article.

Thank you for reading Alex's story; I hope you found it comforting and helpful.