A Fathers Story of Miscarriage

parents_1.jpgPregnancy or infant loss at any stage is always hard: whether the baby died due to miscarriage, stillbirth or postnatal death. The voice of bereaved mothers is often heard, perhaps because women are socialized to reach out more for support. But the loss of a baby affects the father too, of course: he is also in need of support, even if his grief is more silent.


I recently came across a very touching article, written by Ian Wallach whose wife had two miscarriages. Ian’s beautiful article was published in the October 2010 edition of “O, The Oprah Magazine.”


In “A Father’s Story: Mourning the Baby We Never Had”, Ian writes in sensitive and heartfelt detail about the emotional and physical journey he and his wife endured. Very early into their marriage, they suffered a first miscarriage and afterwards sought  the help of specialists, and tried expensive treatments: IVF (in vitro fertilization),  IUI (intrauterine insemination) and donor eggs. After many failed and frustrating attempts, Ian and his wife got pregnant again, but tragically this baby died too.


Ian’s story describes the “emotional rollercoaster” of when a couple loses a baby: the good times when all seems well and they are excitedly planning for their baby, and the crashing devastation and emptiness when the baby is lost. His honest and courageous article gives fathers a voice: echoes the feelings of sadness, anger, grief and helplessness which they experience just like grieving mothers do.


Ian’s beautiful article is a must read for all of us: fathers, mothers, friends, families and professionals. For fathers, they will be able to find comfort in Ian’s words. For the rest of us, reading Ian’s article gives us a greater understanding of what the experience of losing a baby is like for a father. Read it here.

Comments (2)

Said this on 24-07-11 At 09:45 am

“I started having health problems.   I thought I was having heart issues, but it turns out it was just grief – grief that I didn’t deal with until nearly 7 months after I lost my son.   It reared its ugly head in the form of anxiety attacks, and needless to say, I have spent the last two months dealing with things that I should have dealt with earlier” – Derek, www.charliesleaf.org

Said this on 11-10-12 At 12:44 am

Me and hubby were very, very worried. When it came to our daughter sleeping in the hospital the first nights, we took turns staying up and sleeping with her. Side sleepers get little block things that keep baby positioned on their stomach. So for the first 3 months we used them: they stay put in a bassinet. When they can hold their head up and roll over, that's when they are much safer because they can move their head. We let her sleep in a bassinet till she was 7 months. Also we did have her in our bed till she was about 2 months.

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