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I was Afraid to Look at my Deformed Baby
- By Megan .
- Published 5/12/2009
- For Parents
- Unrated
Megan .
Megan's unborn baby had anencephaly: a severe disability, with almost nil chances of survival. Those who do survive, are never conscious and have no quality of life. Megan and her husband made the extremely difficult decision to medically terminate the pregnancy.
View all articles by Megan .
When my husband and I learned that our unborn son had anencephaly, we were afraid to look at him when he was born. We felt so awful about having these thoughts, so we asked our friend for help: Elise has been a midwife for 20 years.
Elise said it was our choice, of course, but she explained what she saw – over and over again – in delivery rooms. She described what happened for parents who looked, and those who didn’t.
Elise told me that looking at your baby from the point of view of an outsider is very different from the perspective of the baby’s loving parent. Elise explained that, in her experience, the parents who chose to look have always seen the baby’s beautiful features – that the deformities or unusual features were not important.
This made sense to us. After all, it made me think of healthy babies I have seen that (I’m embarrassed to say) looked kind of peculiar to me. But don’t their parents always think their baby is the most beautiful in the world? Of course they do! It’s natural.
Elise also said that, frequently, parents who had imagined their baby would look terrible and were afraid to look – were then relieved and felt so much love when they did see their baby. She said that most parents were rewarded with comfort and positive memories in seeing, holding and being with their baby for as long as possible.
Elise added that, of course, she’s met many parents who weren’t able to cope with this – everyone is unique, everyone copes differently. And this is all okay too. Elise assured us that there is no right or wrong decision here.
We decided to look at our son when he was born, and what Elise described is exactly what happened for us: when we saw our baby, both of just focused on his beautiful features. That’s because – like all parents -- we looked at our own baby with “love’s eyes” – meaning we don’t see what might be wrong, only all that was right. We felt love and joy, and today have positive memories of our short time with our son.
My husband and I are glad we made the decision that was right for us, and we hope this article helps you to do the same. God bless.
Elise said it was our choice, of course, but she explained what she saw – over and over again – in delivery rooms. She described what happened for parents who looked, and those who didn’t.
Elise told me that looking at your baby from the point of view of an outsider is very different from the perspective of the baby’s loving parent. Elise explained that, in her experience, the parents who chose to look have always seen the baby’s beautiful features – that the deformities or unusual features were not important.
This made sense to us. After all, it made me think of healthy babies I have seen that (I’m embarrassed to say) looked kind of peculiar to me. But don’t their parents always think their baby is the most beautiful in the world? Of course they do! It’s natural.
Elise also said that, frequently, parents who had imagined their baby would look terrible and were afraid to look – were then relieved and felt so much love when they did see their baby. She said that most parents were rewarded with comfort and positive memories in seeing, holding and being with their baby for as long as possible.
Elise added that, of course, she’s met many parents who weren’t able to cope with this – everyone is unique, everyone copes differently. And this is all okay too. Elise assured us that there is no right or wrong decision here.
We decided to look at our son when he was born, and what Elise described is exactly what happened for us: when we saw our baby, both of just focused on his beautiful features. That’s because – like all parents -- we looked at our own baby with “love’s eyes” – meaning we don’t see what might be wrong, only all that was right. We felt love and joy, and today have positive memories of our short time with our son.
My husband and I are glad we made the decision that was right for us, and we hope this article helps you to do the same. God bless.